Oh, shut up and get over it. Yeah, I have a cleaner. What of it? I pay her, and I listen to her inane babble. If anything, she should be paying me.

First up, I chose her from all the millions of cleaners who listed their service on Gumtree because she offered a unique service using special products (and no harmful chemicals). I quite like the idea of there being no traces of bleach left in the bathtub come nighttime when my baby likes to sit in the bath and drink the bath water. A little urine won’t hurt her, but unknown chemicals left behind by a careless cleaner might. I’d actually never heard of the products she uses, but I did some research and thought “what the hell, won’t hurt to try” and ended up pleasantly surprised by the results.

Secondly, I am by no means a corporate conservative yuppy. I used cloth nappies on my first born (not so much the second child who broke out in bleeding blisters at the mere suggestion of cloth). I research the ethical issues of tourism before going on a holiday. I recycle and have a compost bin. I’m prone to wearing feathers in my hair and painting my son’s nails blue. I have some pretty “out there” ideas of the world (all scientifically proven as being absolutely, 100% correct). So it comes as no real surprise when the cleaner opens her mouth and out comes the drivel she incorrectly assumes I will agree with her about.

She believes in the use of homeopathy. Goes to church. Has a severely depressed husband who suffers constant panic attacks but refuses medical help because he is afraid of the side effects. She is scared of flouride in water. And told me today that we should eat diets according to our blood type. Her children are diagnosed with every learning disability ever invented, as is her husband. She believes her parents and her sister are out to get her (they live rent-free in her parent’s house, but no that’s just a way for her parents to control her). She believes she is entitled to every form of government assistance possibly available including all he family payments, carers payments, disability for her husband and is now talking about removing her children from the lovely house she lives in curtesy of her parents to live in housing commission. So basically, she thinks a lot of things that make my eyeballs bleed internally.

The fact that she yaps so much when she should be cleaning is bad enough, but she does a pretty good job so I’m ok with that. I just do wish she wouldn’t heap so much nonsense on me, it makes me stressed. I might need to hire a personal masseuse to come over right after the cleaner has been.